15 weeks now

I’m 15 weeks pregnant and still feeling a little queasy in the evenings!!! Not fair twins. I think they just don’t like me. I might have to start grounding early. This pregnancy has been different in that I’m getting headaches fairly often. It’s not my favorite thing either. Enough with the complaining though because I can’t wait to have a little baby in my arms come the springtime.
I went to have my CVS test done during week 12 and I was so nervous. They did an ultrasound prior to the test to make sure they could test both kids and thankfully the test was a go. Unfortunately one of the babies had extra fluid behind the neck, so the doctor was immediately concerned and also ordered a rapid test on the chromosomes to see what was going on there. Upon hearing this news I was completely stressed out and upset that not only did we have SMA to deal with we had this other mystery chromosome thing haunting us. I did ask if this could be a sign of SMA because Orion did have extra fluid in his brain towards the end of the pregnancy. They said that SMA could not be detected on ultrasound, but I’m thinking at least that extra fluid can be a trigger for us in the future (if we decide to get pregnant again). Long story short the chromosomes came back normal on both babies. We were told that the SMA testing would take a month, but thankfully it only took one week. We have a boy that has SMA and he is the baby with the extra fluid. The other baby is a girl and she does not have SMA.
I had kind of expected the news that one of the babies would have SMA, so I was disappointed to hear it, but also prepared in a way. Maybe we just won’t be able to have sons in this lifetime. I was told by the geneticist that he looks pretty sick and babies with this much fluid most likely pass prior to birth. I have to say that I’m so thankful that Orion was born and that we were able to get him diagnosed! Otherwise we would have just thought I had a miscarriage and then we’d live the nightmare again someday.
Last night I was thinking about the CNN newsperson Nancy Grace and her twins. She had boy/girl twins. The boy is 5 pounds and the girl 2 pounds. I had a dream that I had my twins and they were the same weights as Nancy Grace’s children. In my dream my boy passed away…which we know will happen at some point soon anyway, but I was completely anxious over my little two pound girl who was struggling. It was a day by day hour by hour fear that she wasn’t going to survive. I woke up and tried to shake the dream by thinking about other things, but when I went back to sleep I continued to dream about this. What a nightmare…and so real to me. I just want everything to turn out okay for her.
On a lighter note I’m so excited to have a healthy baby in there. It’s weird to think girl now. I went through Orion’s clothing over the weekend and decided to re-gift some items and give away the others to friends that are having boys. I had to keep a few of the outfits and then we are keeping the neutral and some blue items anyway. I have been in boy mode for a while now, so I’ll have to start to think pink soon! I have a few favorite names, so that’s good.
I have a bit of a cold right now, so I’ve had the sniffles and sneeze a lot. I was on my way to the restroom in the afternoon (one of the many trips I take throughout the day) and sneezed. A little bit of pee came out!!! That’s a first. I laughed so hard. I’m getting old and definitely pregnant.
Also, I think I feel movement from time to time from the little ones. It’s kind of fun and my favorite part of pregnancy for sure. It’s such a special feeling. One morning I woke up and it felt like I had little caterpillars moving around in there. It’s strange with twins. It’s sad that they both are not healthy and we will not be able to raise them together, but I am counting my blessings that I’ll have my little gal in just under six months!!!

12 WEEKS!!!

Okay, so magical week 12 has arrived…the week I’ve been waiting for, right? I was supposed to wake up and have a normal day full of energy and free from nausea. Not my story. Bummer. Any day now. I’m ready. Last night was particularly uncomfortable, but I’ll make it. I can be starving one minute and so sick the next. It doesn’t take long. I get an ultrasound this week, so it’s always nice to see the little bugs and heartbeats. I’m excited about that. I’m starting to get nervous, however, for the test that will follow the ultrasound. It’s time for our CVS testing. Hopefully all will go well and we will find out that both kids are healthy and SMA free!!! That is the goal here after all. Here are the cons: First it might snow this week and cause problems for going through the mountains to get to the city where we are getting the testing done. Second, I’m in week 12 and almost 13 at that point which is the cut off for CVS testing to be done. If the kids are too big they cannot perform the test. Third, since it’s twins it may not be possible at all to do the test depending on how they are positioned. We are told we have a 50/50 chance of getting the testing done. Then if we do get lucky and the planets are in line we wait the two weeks for the results. I hate test results. It reminds me of the wait for Orion’s results. I wanted to know desperately, but at the same time it sealed his fate and made us realize the reality of the situation with him. On a positive note most of the time I feel very good about this pregnancy. Of course I’m going to have worries, but all in all I feel like I’ll get my two healthy children out of this.

Twins!

I have two babies in my belly! They both have heartbeats and look to be the same size. I can't believe it. My knees are still weak from the sight. It's amazing! I might just be blessed with two children in the spring!

Seven Weeks!

I have become a Mark Walberg fan in recent years. No, I don’t have posters of him up in my bedroom because I’ve outgrown that now. I’ve really enjoyed recent movies I’ve seen that he is a part of and a fan of Entourage as well. As far as I’m concerned he’s brilliant. Love him…no, I mean I love him. He’s beefy and handsome. I’ve typically been a fool for brown headed or dark haired males in the past, so he fits right in to that…and those blue eyes. So, I watched the movie Shooter recently and he did a great job. I also thought the muscle tone was great. It’s more about his physical appearance for me…I’ll be honest. Who needs Brad when there’s Mark? (Except for Legend’s of the Fall Brad, not too bad).

I’m seven weeks pregnant now. I’m still feeling tired and have been suffering from afternoon and early evening sickness. Last night I had a hard time getting dinner down. Smells are definitely a problem for me. Yuck. I do okay for breakfast and then after lunch it’s over. All bets are off. Tomorrow I have my first ultrasound for this pregnancy and I’m super excited. I’m a little nervous that we aren’t going to see a little heart beating, but it will be nice to get past this. Back to the food thing though…my favorite foods this time are Fried Zucchini, Nacho Doritos, and Salsa. I definitely like salty foods this time around. Last time it was fruit and Honey Nut Cheerios.

5 weeks

I love salty food! Give me more pickles! I’ve lost my sweet tooth (not such a bad thing). Last time I was pregnant wanted strawberries and honey nut cheerios. So far in the short time I’ve been pregnant I love Nacho Doritos and Fried Zucchini. Yum. I’ve been eating an apple daily too just to try for a balance.

I did four HCG levels and they are doubling just like they are supposed to. I’m excited and now anticipate the next thing on the checklist. I’m going to have an ultrasound on week seven to check for a heartbeat. I’ll be happy to see the heartbeat. What I’m really looking forward to is getting negative test results when I get the CVS around week 10. This is the test that will tell us if we are loosing another baby or getting a healthy one. I hope we fall into the 75% chance of a healthy kid this time. I want a Spinal Muscle Atrophy free baby. After that test I think I’ll truly get excited and get into organizing the nursery again and taking inventory of what items I might need still. I’m so nervous about the test results. There is nothing I can do about it though. The genetic make up of the little one is already determined at this point.

I look forward to the holidays if this baby is healthy because then I’ll be glowing and growing with pregnancy and able to truly celebrate. Otherwise it might be a murky holiday season. I’d like to think this will turn out well for us this time though.

Nail Biter!

I’ve been biting my nails the past few days wondering if I was going to have good HCG numbers or not. I had my positive pregnancy test a few days before my cycle should have started and then I did the blood test to confirm. So…the second blood test was scary because the HCG didn’t double in 48 hours. They asked me to do another day and it was hard waiting for that phone call this afternoon. I was hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Thankfully my numbers doubled! I’m happy to still be in the game. I might have to do another test on Sunday, but they said they’d call me back about that. I’m glad it went up. Now I can relax a bit this weekend.

I’ve been bad and haven’t gone to the gym since last week. I usually go every day. I just haven’t felt well in the afternoons. I’m still doing okay today, so I’m just going to go for it. I am going to discontinue jogging and just do the elliptical or walk the treadmill for a while, but at least I want to work out 5 days a week. That’s the goal anyway.

HCG Test

So, I just had my second blood test this morning to see how my HCG levels are doing. I really hope all is going well. I’m nervous about getting the test results, but will be very relieved when I hear they are progressing as they should be. That’s what I hope for anyway. Last time I heard back from the doctor’s office around 1, so I hope my morning passes quickly. I just pray that everything goes smoothly this time.

Sweet Success

This weekend I went out of town for a few days and enjoyed spending time with some friends. I had an increased sensitivity to smells. I couldn’t even eat lunch on Saturday because my husband put vinegar on his French fries and it was just too strong.

This morning I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!!! I’m sooo excited. I’m allowing myself a little bit of excitement over just being able to conceive. Like last time I got the positive test, but I’m still doubting. I called my doctor’s office and they are going to order a blood test for me today and then again in 48 hours.

In week or two I’ll probably start worrying about what might happen when we have the CVS test to see if the baby has SMA. That will be a huge milestone for us to pass through. I have to keep reminding myself that we do have a 75% chance that all will be well for this baby and me, but it’s still a nerve racking process for sure!

I feel like I deserve a moment to be just happy about this. We have tried so hard for this and I’m not going to let negativity drag me down…yet.

We are going to keep this pregnancy to ourselves and a few friends at this point. After we get our testing done we will share the news with everyone else. That’s the plan anyway. It’s difficult to keep it inside.

Elevated Temp

This morning I woke up to an elevated temperature!!!! Now, that’s more like it. It’s great to see and I’m feeling better now. If it stays ovulated for the next two mornings I know I ovulated and then the goal is to keep seeing the temperature elevated past eighteen days and then take a pregnancy test. I’m super stoked. I usually have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning (my father would be so disappointed since he is an early bird), but today I was able to hop right out of bed and actually had time to eat breakfast at home before going to work. I had previously doing the slim fast thing twice a day. I recently bought some name brand Slim Fast instead of the yummy Costco brand shakes. Unfortunately I don’t like the flavor of the Slim Fast shake, so it’s not as appealing to me as the Costco shakes. So, I might have to find someone that likes them to give them to. I had oatmeal this morning and it was great to have a real breakfast. I got the milk out of the fridge to complete the meal and noticed a foul odor…it is only five days after the date on the carton. No biggie. I just dumped that right out and ate the oatmeal sans the milk.

Just waiting

Today is Cycle Day 15…so I’m anxiously waiting for the morning that my temperature goes up! I really, really hope to ovulate this month. I was feeling pretty optimistic until yesterday and then I started with the self-doubt. Once again today I’m feeling optimistic, so I’m just hoping that’s the hormones and things are going just as they should.

I did discover that since I started last week with two slim fast shakes a day (just on week days) and a healthy dinner my GI symptoms have pretty much settled down. This is great news. I also met one of my first weight loss goals though and I’m stoked about this. I still have a ways to go, but at least I’m headed in the right direction.

On Friday after work my husband and I decided to go out to dinner. On the way out the door I lost my footing and down I went off the front step. I twisted both ankles and cut the left one. I am super, super clumsy. What’s my deal with falling? It’s a wonder that I was on dance team in high school and made it out without breaking my leg!

In church yesterday a couple bore their testimonies and shared a little about loosing their baby in the last week or so. I was touched and my heart went out to them. I was impressed that they were able to share their feelings so soon. I have only met them in passing, but typed up a note today to send in the mail. Recently I also made contact with a second cousin who lost a baby recently. It has been nice to be able to reach out. I’m in a much healthier place right now than I had been previously. It’s a good thing!

I guess I should mention...

I guess I should let the reader in the loop about my IUI. It was cancelled for this month because the doctor is on vacation when I would need it. Allow me please to express my dissapointment and I'll admit, a little bitterness too. I was so excited because it was such an unexpected surprise to have an IUI done, but then I was brought down again when I heard the news. I had some left over Clomid at home, so I told the nurse I'll do one more Clomid cycle and at the very least I'll ovulate and get me on the road to IUI sooner. I hope that he isn't planning a vacation in September. Poor planning on their part if you asked me.

Almost ovulation time

I went to see The Fray concert recently with my friend and I have to admit that it was nice not to hear the F-bomb between and during every song as was the case with the last concert I attended (Ozzfest). It was a nice, mixed crowd. Grandparents brought kids out and it was fun to watch the grandparents dancing to the music. There were two opening bands and the first band said they just got finished playing some of the Warped Tour dates. They sounded much like a backyard band to me. I was pleasantly surprised with how good The Fray sounded. I have only heard a few of their songs and I was mainly going because my friend didn’t want to go alone. Now I’m getting excited for the Warped Tour.

I should be ovulating any day now! I had a dip in temperature yesterday and that happened a few cycles ago just before ovulation. My temperature was slightly higher today. It usually takes 4 days to get super high after the dip, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this is an ovulation cycle. Of course my ultimate hope is that this is my pregnancy cycle, but I’ll take it a step at a time. I’m on cycle day 12 right now. I took my Clomid on days 3-7, so I was hoping to ovulate a little earlier in the cycle. Yay. Even if I don’t get pregnant this time ovulating will help to save time in the coming weeks to get my IUI. If and when I ovulate I only have a two week wait until my period starts and then I can start planning the IUI stuff. If I didn’t ovulate I’d have to wait until two weeks after when my period should have started and then start taking Provera again for another week and then wait for the cycle to begin again. I’d much rather do the ovulation thing since it’s quicker.

New Cycle

I learned the other day at a doctor’s appointment that the plan for this month is to get an IUI. I’m so excited. This will be my first IUI and I hope for beginners luck. I was on Provera to induce my cycle, so hopefully any day now it will begin. In just a few weeks I’ll have that IUI and then two weeks later I will know if it was successful or not. I’m super excited and more than ready to venture into pregnancy again. At least I plan on being busy for the next few weeks and that will help to distract me while the time passes.

The above paragraph is how I felt just yesterday and I was even more excited when my cycle actually started up and I was able to call to plan my month. I had my fingers crossed for first timers luck with the IUI and all that good stuff. Unfortunately I called the MD office today to let them know I am now on a new cycle and to see when they want me to start taking the meds and have the ultrasound, etc. With my fertility luck I should not have been surprised when the nurse called me back to tell me that when I will be ready for my IUI both doctors that perform those will be out of town and herself too. Well duh, of course that would be the case even though she assured me this rarely happens. Rare things happen to me fairly often after all. I wonder why they did not realize this when I was in the office last week?

I have been feeling pretty low this afternoon since I heard that I have to wait until September now to try for the IUI. If I got pregnant I would then be due the same time of year as I was last time and I was hoping to avoid that…on the other hand I don’t want to wait until October and it would be nice to have something to celebrate that time of year. The nurse also told me maybe I’ll just happen to get pregnant this month without any medications or procedures and that it happens for a lot of people this way. Ha, I highly doubt that to be the case for me. What a roller coaster though. I was feeling excited about the IUI and that it is only two short weeks away and now it’s six weeks in the future at least.

So, I’m feeling pretty disillusioned right now with the whole thing and had thoughts enter my head like, “Why me?” “Why do I not deserve to have children?” and “I’ll never get pregnant again!”

I’m faced with a choice to either wait out this cycle, take no medications except for the metformin and hope for ovulation and when it doesn’t happen wait for six weeks from now to pass so that I can take Provera yet again to induce a cycle or I can take some Clomid that I have at home and hope for ovulation and of course, pregnancy. If I do not ovulate on the Clomid I’m in the same boat as I would be if I didn’t take it. I have to think about this…

I had a nice July 4th. It was our first really hot day of summer. Now the heat is really on…a few days ago it was 103 and the hottest day in three years. Yuck. On the fourth I went to the gym twice just so I could feel the air conditioning.

So, I feel like I’ve finally gotten past a milestone in that I’m not feeling nearly as bad about myself when someone announces that they are pregnant. I used to feel pretty sad and depressed upon hearing someone else’s joyful news. I just had three in a row here and I’m actually pretty happy for all three couples. Hopefully this trend will continue and then maybe someday I’ll be able to make another announcement of my own…that would be nice. A co-worker recently asked me if I was going to start trying again and she started to encourage me to. If she only knew…Ha! We have been trying. It’s not something we care to advertise though.

I went to the ski lift at Mt Bachelor over the weekend for their summer sightseeing lift. It was a clear day and the view was spectacular. We had lunch up at the summit and then rode the lift back down. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous about the adventure. I have never been on a ski lift…my parent’s didn’t do the skiing thing. I figured though that if my seven year old nephew could do it I could do it. My husband thought it looked like it would be fun to go four-wheeling at the mountain. I have never been, but someday I hope to. That will be an adventure yet to come.

I also saw the Transformers movie over the weekend and it was better than I expected it to be. It was funny and the effects were great. Overall I found it to be a two thumbs up experience…especially when I heard a soldier stay “Fricken” which I figure is probably the seldom used alternative to the other word it replaces. Which reminds me of the Ghost Hunters (I love that show). When ever Grant says “What the Fetch?!,” I know something good happened.

Memories

Isn’t it sad that memories fade away? Yeah, other times it’s a great thing to have memories fade. I never thought I would forget even the smallest of memories pertaining to certain people in my life. I have kept a journal for years and was one time teased by someone (I can’t remember who it was…Shoot, another memory faded), said I would never forget anything because I write it all down. It’s true, but I look back sometimes and read something to be reminded of an event and get things out of my writing that I never saw before. Also, I write significantly less in my journal these days. Sometimes a month passes without an entry. I am getting close to starting a new book (Journal) though and I’m always excited about that. It’s an opportunity to reintroduce myself to my potential reader someday whether it is a descendent of me or not.

Upcoming shows

No, I’m not preggers. Not yet. It will happen…someday. Whatever. After seeing a fertility specialist I’m now taking a diabetes medication. No, I do not have diabetes, but this medication is supposed to help women with PCOS ovulate. He thinks I have PCOS, so I’m going to play along with it. I’m taking this month off of the Clomid. I hope this added medication will help me to ovulate every month and ultimately end up in a healthy pregnancy and baby. That is the ultimate goal. The medication is making my tummy pretty upset about the whole thing.

In the meantime my focus how now shifted to weight loss. Yeah, I’m going for it at the gym and adding jogging to my fitness routine. It has really helped to jumpstart my weight loss goals. That makes me pretty pleased. At least I can see results for my efforts. I cannot control the timeline for pregnancy, but I sure can work on my fitness. That is something I do have control of. Now, I have never been a fan of jogging. In fact, my friend Deesha and I joined the track team in high school only to quit soon after. We did attend one track meet and I think our event was the triple jump. At a practice soon after we took a warm up jog around the track and ran right off the field to drop the class while we laughed. My jogging inspiration comes after a visit from a friend in CA whom took up jogging and has lost some weight. She looks great. Anyway, I’m adding a minute a week to my jogging until I reach a mile and after that I don’t think I’ll press it. I am not interested in running 5K races or anything. I just want to drop those pesky extra pounds.

I’m excited because this summer I’m going to a few concerts. I’m going to Ozzfest with my husband and I was excited until I discovered that I read last year’s line up instead of this year’s. (I really want to see Avenge Sevenfold). Oh well, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it anyway…maybe I’ll bring a book. I wasn’t super excited about going to The Warped Tour this year and I’ve skipped a few years, but this year I’m going to go because I’ve discovered that I enjoy The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Upon further study of the line up I have a handful of other bands I’m interested in checking out. It’s no Coachella, but it will entertain I’m sure. I really want to get to CA for Coachella next year.

Still waiting

Temperature was .2 degree’s higher this morning, so I’m more hopeful that in three days I’ll have a positive pregnancy test. I’m supposedly one day late today though, so that’s making me excited. I keep my chart on fertility friend website, so it’s fun to see how my temps are different this time from the last time I ovulated. I wish I had more than one month to compare to though. This is my fourth round of Clomid and I seem to ovulate every other month. If I’m not pregnant this month I will take the same dosage next month and keep my fingers crossed that I ovulate again and make it two months in a row. I have to say though that I hope this isn’t the case. These past few months have really been a learning experience for me. I’ve learned about my fertility and if I’m not pregnant I’ll have to take notes from this cycle and go forward with more experience. For now though I’m just going to celebrate later this afternoon with maybe a chocolate milkshake. Tee hee. I’m on the final stretch of wondering here. In a few days I will know either way. Fingers crossed!!!

Still hanging in there

I still had a high temperature this morning, so I remain hopeful that things will work out this month. I’m going to take a test on Sunday if I haven’t had my period yet, so I’m pretty excited. I looked at old emails from when I found out I was pregnant with Orion and discovered that I found out on cycle day 33. That is why I’ve decided to wait until then to take a test and hope to have another positive result.

I have to admit that I’ve been indulging in a chocolate milkshake every afternoon…yeah, bad I know, but the calcium is good for me. Ha! I’ll quit that habit for sure if I am not pregnant. Last time I was pregnant all I wanted was Honey nut Cheerios and Strawberries, but not together. I ate a ton of fruit salads. I have cut out soda drinking already just in case I am expecting, but this time I’m still loving the sweets at the moment, so it could very well be PMS I am experiencing.

Today I went to get some food and walked through a gift shop while I was waiting for my order. When I was in there it smelled like someone passed gas. I did not linger in the store (like the odor was) and instead went back to the café to check on my order. I passed the bathroom on the way there because I thought I might take money out of the ATM machine and I swear it smelled worse there and the door was shut. I was super grossed out. It makes me wonder if there was a sewage problem or if my nose is just getting sensitive already. Wishful thinking? We’ll see.

Every day that passes without a drop in temperature or my period gives me hope for the month! It would be just fantastic if I am pregnant. December would be the birth month. I’d definitely be looking forward to Christmas this year if this was the case.

13 days post ovulation!!!

Ok, so I am on cycle day 29 and 13 dpo. I’m trying not to get too excited, but that was made easy last night when I had some cramps and I thought my period was coming. I thought for sure my temperature would be low this morning. It wasn’t though and I’m still in the game. Last month my temp started to go down on 11 days post ovulation, so this is progress for me. I’m hoping this means that I’ve hit the jackpot and conceived. I am going to try to wait another day or two before I test since I’m technically not late for my period yet, but it’s sure getting difficult to contain myself.

As far as possible indicators (other than my temperature) I don’t have many except for possibly my fatigue, hunger, and nips sensitivity. I have been pretty dry CM wise, but yesterday I had some lotion looking CM moments. That’s another reason I thought my period was on the way. That coupled with the cramps I thought for sure I was a goner. I do remember that last time I ovulated in January I had cramps most of the week prior to having my period and once I did have my period the cramps were not very pleasant.

I’m just keeping my fingers crossed and hope for the best. I still have a part of me that feels like pregnancy will never happen, but on the other hand it happened before and I know it can happen again. I just feel pretty sure of it now. If not this month it will happen soon.

Cycle Day 23

Here I am on my fourth round of Clomid, but this time 150 mg. I didn’t ovulate last month on the 100 mg, so my doctor upped the dosage again. She said that if I didn’t ovulate she would have me see the fertility specialist at their clinic. If I did ovulate she would keep me on that dose for a total of three months. I was a bit frustrated going into this month because it only seems to be working for me every other month. This did give me a bit of a positive attitude though because I didn’t ovulate last month, so I was hoping that this would be another ovulation month.

I went to Utah for a few days this month for my grandmother’s funeral service and had to start my Clomid there. I know all my cousins, mom, and uncles can boast about this, but my grandmother taught me how to bodysurf at the beach! She was a fabulous person and a great friend to me. The service was beautiful and it was exciting to be reintroduced to long lost family members and see second cousins I haven’t seen in years. At the family luncheon I sat between the siblings to my grandfather. This was particularly exciting for me since I don’t remember my grandfather, but admire him. He passed away when I was almost two. I was able to stay with my best friend while I was in Utah. It’s nice to refresh a friendship once in a while. We have lived in separate states for most of our lives, but have managed to maintain a sturdy friendship that I am convinced will span our lifetimes and beyond. What is that Buzz Lightyear quote, “Infinity and beyond!”

Last weekend one of my oldest childhood friends came to visit for a few days. This was right during my “fertile” time. I wasn’t sure exactly when I would ovulate if I did at all, so I take a cover all my bases type approach. Thankfully my basal temperatures started to go up indicating that I ovulated somewhere around cycle day 16. I am now seven days post ovulation and I’m stoked. I go in for my blood test on Saturday to check for ovulation and then in a week I can test for pregnancy if I haven’t started another cycle.

I’m trying not to think about things too much this month and it has been pretty easy to do that with all the distractions I have had…my traveling and a friend coming to visit. Now I’m just in the wait and see phase, so there is really nothing to do at this point but to wait. I am just grateful to have ovulated at all because then I get a chance at this motherhood thing one more.