My sister

My sister called me late last week and told me that she is expecting her fourth child. I knew she was trying for one more child, but hoped that it would take a bit longer. I selfishly wish that she could have just waited a bit longer before procreating once again. I am happy for her though. She is barely over 35, so it’s better for her to get pregnant now rather than later.

Dom and I are going to try again soon anyway. We both feel the urge to make another attempt at parenthood. I feel pretty good about it. I do feel strongly about starting to try soon. It’s strange because I am usually a “cup half empty” kind of person when it comes to things for myself. In this case after all that has happened I’m feeling completely the opposite. I feel like things are going to work out this time. I feel like Dom and I will have a healthy child. It’s probably crazy for me to think this way.

There are a few factors involved in deciding if we are going to start trying this month or not. I had my MMR vaccination just about a month ago and I just want to make sure that I space it out appropriately. The CDC says to wait 28 days and the egg would not be fertilized until week after. (If we were lucky enough to conceive the first month we tried). I called my OB/GYN to ask about this.

I am going to start acupuncture next week to help with fertility because I do not cycle regularly. It will be interesting to see if this works for me. My doctor did tell me that if we didn’t get pregnant after three months of trying that she would issue us some Clomid again because of my troubles with conceiving in the past.

In the meantime I am going to try to loose weight. I still have to loose that last ten pounds. I am going to give up soda as of today. I indulged myself in drinking Pepsi again after Orin was born, but now it’s time to give it up again for two reasons…weight loss and I don’t want the caffeine in my system if and when we conceive.

Break

I am feeling a bit better than last week. My husband and I definitely decided to just take a break from the serious for a moment and hold off until the beginning of the year for anything. We are seriously considering just conceiving on our own at this point. I cannot find any funding for the PGD or IVF and we do not want to go into that much debt unless it was for a car. We do have a 75% chance for a healthy baby, so we hope for the best. I usually worry and think the worst is going to happen, but it’s strange because in this situation I feel pretty positive about my next pregnancy. I don’t feel very worried yet. Maybe that will kick in when we actually do get pregnant again. We would have to wait until week 10 of the pregnancy to set our mind at ease and find out if the baby was affected or not.

I am still trying to put together my plans to start up a foundation to help parents financially with IVF and PGD. It is just plain silly insurances would not cover this for people with genetic risks. There is a need for this service; I just have to figure out a way to fund it with enough money to help a significant amount of families. I have a few ideas, but I wonder if it will be enough. It would be a dream come true to have some real heavy hitters involved with donations and get things going. I dream of nice dinner events and a few other fund raising ideas I have. It would be nice to help other people. It would be nice if I could find something already in place that I could use, but I guess that’s not in the cards for me. I hate that the insurance would have to put me in the position of deciding whether or not to try for a baby on our own and go through the pain of loosing a second or third child to this disorder. You would think from just a financial point of view they would concede and let us have the money for the IVF. Orion’s bills were so high we could have had several rounds of IVF and be done with it.

There was an amazing thunder and lightening storm last night! It was beautiful. Dom and I sat outside on lawn chairs with an umbrella and just watched the sky light up. We love storms like that. We know it is dangerous in this area for wild fires, but it sure is an impressive sight for us to watch. Just a few nights ago I had another encounter with a deer. This time it was a buck and he was beautiful. I thought he might cross the road, but I looked at him and it looked like he shook his head no, as if to say he was not going to cross yet. I know that’s silly, but it was funny to me. He did cross the road two cars behind me.

insurance

8/4/06

I got the news the other day that insurance is not going to cover the procedures. I am feeling pretty down about this news. I have had a difficult time keeping myself together since Wednesday.

My plan now is to hold off on the PGD and IVF until January or February. In the meantime I plan on getting a part-time job in the evenings and weekends and working as much as I can. I will be saving that money for the procedures and hopefully we will have a big chunk of it to pay right away before financing the rest. I really don’t want to have 14,000 of debt.

Dom and I could take the risk and just conceive on our own. Things could turn out just fine. We are feeling unsafe with that option though. We want to protect ourselves as much as we can from that happening again. I still replay the horror of learning the news that Orion was never going to get better. It was even more horrible to hold my son as he passed away. I will never forget that. I will never forget him. We hope that our son did not give his life in vain. We hope that Orion provided a way for his younger siblings to have healthy bodies.

I do have a small service project planned for tonight. It should be good to do something nice for someone else. I’m looking forward to helping.

Soon I hope to be working more. I did apply for a job at an animal ER. They offered it before we knew if the insurance was going to pay or not. The job was a lot of hours a week, so I turned it down. Since we found out that we will have to pay for the IVF I decided it would be wise to take the job, so I called them back. They are interviewing others right now, but said they would call me back on Sunday. I hope I get something. There is also a pharmacy I’d like to work at, so I’m giving that a try too.

I am going to be an even busier person now until the beginning of the year and gone are the plans for our Caribbean vacation. I think our family is more important than that trip.

Copy machine repair man

8/2/06

Today I was asked by the copy machine repair man at work how my baby is doing. I explained to him that unfortunately he passed away and gave a very brief explanation that it was due to genetics. I then went to lunch and had to fight back some tears. I really felt like crying because my mind replayed the morning after Orion was born and the doctors told me that he might die. I really miss Orion.

I’m still just waiting to hear back from the insurance company as to whether or not they will authorize me to have the testing and invitro done. I hope they at least cover part…all would be nice, but I’ve learned to take bad news lately.

Not only is it emotionally distressing to loose a baby it is expensive for the insurance company. My son’s medical bills are already reaching 40,000 and that’s just for two week’s of life. If they would pay for one or two rounds of Invitro it would only be half that. Imagine if a future child was affected by this disorder and was not as sick as Orion. This child could hang on for two to three years and have to be under some serious medical care. This would cost the insurance company way more money. I hope they will see this and help my husband and me out.

I used to feel like I wanted to have a huge family (I am LDS after all). At this point I would feel incredibly blessed to have one healthy child. Gone are the days that I wanted 4 or even 3 children. I would like to have two…maybe with the invitro we will have twins and be done with it. That may be hoping for too much though. I just don’t want to risk pregnancies without testing first. There is too much risk involved.

Dom and I went to visit the cemetery a few nights ago and we were pleasantly surprised to see Orion’s headstone had arrived. It is beautiful.

I’m anxious to get started with PGD and IVF! I think it’s going to be October or January before we try. It would be nice if October worked out, but we are also okay with waiting a bit longer. I think it would just be nice to know at this point. Once we get an answer from our insurance company we can get to the next step in planning.

I’m seriously considering starting up some sort of foundation for PGD/IVF funding. I think there should be help available for people in similar situations as my husband and I are finding ourselves. I even bought a book to look into it. This is something I really feel is important.

Its funny how quickly life can change; just 9 weeks ago we had no idea what Spinal Muscle Atrophy was, but now it consumes most of my thoughts.

I have a famous second cousin that recently had twins. I am very happy for her that her twins are healthy. I feel sad that things worked out the way they did for me, but I hope for the future. I don’t talk to this family member. I vaguely remember her from family reunions when we were both much younger. I recently saw a picture of Gwen Stephani’s baby boy Kingston and it made me a little sad. He was born the day before Orion was and I figure that’s about the size he would be right about now…it’s hard. I remember when I was pregnant I was so excited for Gwen and felt a kinship towards her because of the timing of our pregnancies.

I realize that my thoughts were kind of all over the place, but sometimes that’s how I feel. I try not to think about the sad stuff too often, so I stay busy with planning positive things like weekend trips and things of that nature.

Deer crosses the road

7/25/06

I got up at the crack of dawn (545AM) to get ready to meet a friend of mine to take a morning hike. We had a great walk even though I had to force myself out of bed to get there. I’m glad I did it and I’m actually thinking about getting up early a few times a week to walk. I usually like to exercise after work before dinner, but it has been so hot lately morning is better at the moment. I’m trying to get back into a good work out routine. I like exercising, I know, crazy. It’s true though. It feels weird to do lower abdominal work still though. It feels like I’m pulling on the incision or something. Hopefully in a few weeks that will start to feel more normal again.

Dom and I went to a lake cabin over the weekend. It was beautiful and there was a fantastic view of Mt. Hood. Dom caught eight small fish. He would like to go back and fish in early fall. I wouldn’t mind. We stayed in a rustic cabin. It was a bit warm at night inside, but we enjoyed being there. I think if we go in the fall it will cool down and we’ll actually have to use the wood stove. It was a relaxing weekend.

It looks like we are already hitting kinks in the road for our family planning. The testing that we need to have done is still considered experimental and is about $2800. Not to mention the need for invitro fertilization (IVF) because of the method of testing and that will cost approx $13,000 for each cycle. I hope to have plenty of healthy eggs to implant so we can have better chances for pregnancy. Otherwise we’ll be spending that amount again for the next try. I’m trying to see if there is any help the insurance can offer me. I’ve already had offers from a few doctors to write letters for me. If we have to get a loan we will. It is worth it to me for a healthy child. I don’t want to make another baby of mine pass away because of SMA. I’ve already had nightmares of having a baby and the baby does not cry when it comes out.

7/31/06

My insurance is looking into the situation for me and deciding whether or not they will cover IVF due to our circumstances. I hope they at least cover one round of IVF…if not more. I would be thankful for whatever they can offer me. I’m just glad they aren’t giving me a flat out no.

We drove to Portland for our consultation with the IVF doctor. We aren’t sure when we are going to get the IVF done, but hope to start before the end of the year or early next year. I’m just going to see what insurance says and then go from there.

Coincidentally we received a phone call from the geneticist in town and informed that the doctor in Portland that gave us the diagnosis for our son just assumed we were both carriers for the disorder. He does not have the lab work to back that up. This can cause a problem with the PGD testing. Dom and I would both have to be carriers for this. If only one of us were a carrier it is a good thing because that means our chances of this happening again are very low.

On Saturday morning I was driving home from the library and noticed the car in front of me slow down. I scanned the road and saw a deer trotting across the four lane busy street. I stopped my car and we all waited for the deer to cross. I was reminded of the area I live in. Back in Santa Barbara or Glendora one would not see a deer try to cross a busy street. I love where I live.

Also on Saturday Dom and I went guitar shopping for his birthday. He found an Ibanez 7 string guitar he had to have, so we purchased it and a teeny amp to go with it. He is thrilled to have a nice guitar though and was already playing up a storm in our spare room all weekend. He says he can’t wait for his calluses to come back on his fingers.

Niece

I thought it would be really hard to see my niece yesterday. She is only a few months old and I thought it might be difficult to hold a little one in my arms. I did feel a bit sad, but I didn’t break down as I had expected to. I just look forward to the day when I can hold babies of my own in my arms once more.

Speaking of holding my own babies…I talked to the geneticist yesterday and she informed me that things look very promising for Dom and me to have the Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis. We are going to her office to get a list of clinics all over the country that have good success rates. It would be nice if the clinic in Portland was good enough, but if we have to fly somewhere for this I’m okay with that. I was euphoric last night. It was very hard to get to sleep because my mind was running in overtime. I really hope to be pregnant by the holiday season. That would be wonderful. We also think it would be fun to get pregnant in January or February so we could possibly have a Halloween baby.

Most of all I’m just looking forward to feeling the little critter moving inside me and kicking, and yes, even the hiccups. I’m excited to be tired and huge and waddling down the street. I even relish the thought of being nauseated constantly again for a few months. I’m just thrilled with the thought because I look forward to holding the little one in my arms at the end of the nine months. I wonder if I’ll be sicker this time with morning sickness. I wonder if I’ll have a multiple birth. Since I’m getting Invitro done it’s going to be a bit higher of a chance for that to happen. We really don’t mind though…two would be just fine with us. We just consider that one less time I have to get pregnant. I already have stretch marks, so why not stretch it some more?

It’s great to feel more hope again. I know that I may not get pregnant the first try with invitro, or even the second, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor for us, so I’m going to be patient see what happens.

July 4th

I had a major melt down yesterday. I think it’s because I had looked forward to the 4th of July while I was pregnant because I knew the baby would be here. Unfortunately he isn’t here anymore. I went to work for a half day and tried to stay busy, but it was a slow day. I decided that I needed to go to the cemetery to visit Orion, so Dom came with me. We sat down in the grass and spent a little time with our son. There was a cool breeze that saved us from burning up. The sun was very warm. After we spent a bit of time there we went to Target for some retail therapy. There were a few items I wanted to get, like a new vacuum cleaner. It’s a really nice one too! Our old vacuum is smelly when it’s running and doesn’t pick things up well.

We came home and it was now about 6:30 in the evening. We were going to start up dinner around 7:30, so we just hung around the house and wasted time. I did okay through dinner, which was delicious by the way. We had steak, ranch style beans, and corn on the cob. I tried a new corn on the cob seasoning recipe and it was yummy. After dinner Dom went outside to start lighting off small fireworks and I started to cry. He came inside to ask if I was okay and I just kept crying…harder now though because he was trying to comfort me. I asked to be alone after a few minutes so that I could get myself together again.

Once alone I walked upstairs and lay on the bed in the nursery to cry more. I wanted to get it all out. I thought I was done, so I got up and decided to step in the shower to cool off, but started crying again (although I hadn’t really stopped completely). I then went downstairs and tried to be social, but was teary eyed and did not want to chat with neighbors. My mom called on my cell phone, so I picked up and cried a bit more. I felt like thing would never be okay again. I had not cried like that since we lost Orion. I didn’t think it would be like that anymore, but it was.

I did, eventually, go outside to watch fireworks, but my heart was just not into the festivities.

So far I feel just tired today and a little sad. I don’t feel as hopeless as I did yesterday. I just hope the labs get here in the mail today so that I can try to get the answer from the geneticist as to whether or not we can get PGD done. I can’t wait to get started on the process, but I also know it will be an emotional journey and harrowing at times. I know that our future family is worth the hard work.

Bad news from a friend

I got up on Saturday morning and opened my email. There was one from a good friend of mine, so I opened it after I deleted some of the junk mail. The email was sent out to a group of people announcing that she had to deliver her baby at 20 weeks gestation and the little girl passed away. This brought my feelings to the surface again. I know first hand the nightmare of loosing a baby and the loss of plans for the future. I hit the reply button, but wasn’t sure what to say. I decided to just let her know I was there for her and I shared my strategy on coping with the loss. I plan on staying busy with several things such as taking weekend trips, working out (after 7/10 when I hit the 6 week mark), planning for a future pregnancy, and saving up for a tropical vacation. I also asked if she and her husband wanted to join Dom and me for a camping trip in August somewhere halfway between where she lives and where I live. We can form a support group of sorts. We hope to get pregnant again around the same time and be successful this time! I talked to her on the phone last night and although it was kind of difficult we shared some of our experience with each other. This is something we hope to never have to go through again.

I really do look forward to carrying a child again. I miss feeling the baby moving and the weight of the baby. Yeah, I know I complained at the end like all women do when they are big and uncomfortable, but I really miss it now. I look forward to the day when I have another baby within me to love.

It has only been three weeks since we lost our baby. I sometimes think about the last time I was able to hold him in my arms. It was the only time I was able to hold him without the ventilator attached. When I allow my thoughts to wander and think about some of the precious moments I had with Orion it causes me to tear up. I’ve never been prone to tears as I am these days. I’m sure if and when I start the IVF process by taking extra hormones I’ll be even more of a mess by that point. I’m still so anxious to find out if we can get tested by PGD or not. If we cannot I’m just going to see what happens naturally and hope that our next baby falls into the 75% healthy instead of loosing another child to SMA. I hope the hospital up north sent the records right away and we get them this week. It would be nice! Even nicer though it would be if we could get the PGD and have a 98% chance of a healthy baby! That would be ideal. Less risk involved for sure.

Worries already

8:20 AM

Last night my OB/GYN called me. She had talked to the geneticist in town about what happened to my husband and me and to ask if Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) is available for Spinal Muscle Atrophy (SMA). As I already knew, PGD is available for SMA. That’s the good news. The not so great news is that PGD is not available for certain mutations of SMA. That caused my stomach to sink. I had my hopes focused on this testing. In the back of my mind I was thinking about the geneticist in Portland who told us there was no PGD available for this disorder. Maybe Orion had the kind of mutation they cannot test for.

I was feeling pretty low the rest of the evening because of the phone call. Dom and I are starting to get used to bad news though. My doctor gave me the geneticist’s phone number that she talked to, so.

I realize that Orion's SMA it is what it is. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome, so I shouldn't be so worried. If they can test for it they will otherwise we will just try and see if we can have a healthy child naturally one more time. There is a 75% chance of a healthy child after all. I would just feel much better knowing the condition has been tested for and get over that hurdle.

I am doing what I can right now though by requesting medical records and I'm going to be calling the geneticist in town to talk and find out if testing can be done or not prior to becoming pregnant. Once I know that I can start dealing with it instead of thinking about it and wondering.

10 AM

I just talked to the geneticist in town and she said there is an 85% chance that they CAN test for this disorder. We are a bit concerned (she and I) because she knew the geneticist in Portland that gave us the diagnosis and wondered why he said there was no preimplantation testing available. Maybe he knew what kind of mutation it was and that's why he said what he did. This new doctor said that maybe he was not up to date on all the testing for this specific disorder and it is a special interest for her, so she is all caught up on it.

My situation

I’ve decided to undergo Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis and InVitro Fertilization for my next pregnancy…why you ask?

I just had a baby boy on 5/28/06. My husband and I named him Orion. I had to have a c-section and was concerned instantly when he came out because I didn’t hear my baby crying. I knew something was wrong. He was instantly taken to the NICU and I was sent back to my room for recovery. That night the doctors told us they didn’t know what was wrong with my baby and he was very sick. The next morning the doctors informed me that my baby might die. They wanted to transport him to another hospital a few hours away to undergo more testing. My doctor told me she would let me leave the hospital a day early so my husband and I could be with our baby. I had a hard time sleeping that night because I was very worried that I was going to get a phone call from the other hospital with bad news. To make a long story short my baby did pass away on 6/10/06. It was something I do not wish to experience again.

My baby was diagnosed with Spinal Muscle Atrophy. This was a genetic disorder that my husband and I are both carriers for. We had no idea we carried this condition and unwittingly passed it on to our boy. The geneticist in Portland told us that there was no testing for this disorder until week 14 of pregnancy and it would be done via amniocentesis. However, I saw my OB/GYN here for a follow up appointment and she suggested I get embryonic testing done. She said she would check with the geneticist in town for me. I started searching on the internet for testing since my doctor told me there might be some available and I’m thrilled to have found some in Portland. Now it makes me wonder why the geneticist in Portland was not aware of it That’s beside the point though. I’m just happy to have more hope.

My husband and I decided that PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) is the way to go for us. If this testing was not available we probably would get pregnant again at some point and take a gamble at our 25% chance that this would happen to future children, but since the testing is available we are going to go with a 98% chance that it will not happen to future children.
My OB/GYN told me that I could get pregnant as soon as 3 months after Orion was born, so that would be in late August. I set an appointment up for the infertility clinic for July 21st. I’m so excited to ask the doctor there questions and plan cycles, etc. I’m actually obsessed with the thought of getting pregnant again. My doctor tells me that is completely normal. I kind of hope we have a girl this time so we don’t compare with Orion.

I plan on documenting my journey to pregnancy and motherhood again in this blog. It will be a nice way to release some fears, excitement, and anticipation. Who knows, I might even have a multiple pregnancy this time. At this point my husband and I would welcome twins.

In preparation for my journey into a second pregnancy I am signing up for short term disability for my next maternity leave. I will also be starting a work out and diet plan on July 10th since I have to wait six weeks to work out after a c-section to loose more weight before I start gaining again. I’m only 8 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight, but I’d like to loose a bit more before getting pregnant again.

Van troubles

So, everyday at work I drive the van over to the hospital to pick up the medications for the patients. As I was getting out of the van today my jacket sleeve caught on the door of the car. I managed to pull myself free and then swung the door shut. It made a clang noise and bounced open, much to my surprise. I then checked for the seatbelt and tried again when I noted no obstruction. Still it did not shut. I then set my bag of drugs and the keys down on the driver’s seat and inspected the door more closely. (I apologize to car people for not using the correct terms and “thing” a lot in the very near future, but here goes). So, I noticed a black round thing in the door and it coincides with a little bar on the door frame. It was not open to let the bar in, so I deducted that the black thing was my problem. Since I now discovered what my problem was it was time to fix it. I tried to pull it down, but it wouldn’t budge, so I pushed up…only to have it go up farther and not come back. I then tried to unlock and lock the door desperately hoping that it would automatically pop down and save me. Of course it didn’t. Then I thought I should check the passenger door to confirm my suspicions that the black thing should have the opening facing out. I opened the door and was pleased to see that I was correct. Unfortunately though I decided to toy with that side. Bad idea…I now had the same exact problems on both sides. Neither door would shut.

Okay, so there went my plan to head up to the cafeteria for a Klondike bar or something similar (I am pregnant) since now I was planning on going to the pharmacy as quickly as possible and back to my building so I can find someone to help me tinker or perhaps just call for a service man…being that it was 4 PM I doubted we’d get anyone out today. So, I got back into the open van and took a long strap that happened to be in there and tied it around the passenger side and my driver’s side door and held them together. The doors only tried to open twice. So, I parked the van and decided to try one more time to fix both doors now…besides, my fingers were already black.
This time, I don’t know why, I happened to see a little silver area I could possibly try to push in to release the black thing. I took the key and pushed it up and…success! I just had to maneuver it a bit and was able to get the job done. I was scared it would revert right back, but so far so good. With my ego boosted I went to the passenger side and repeated the task. I am so pleased with myself that I did not have to call for service or have a co-worker come to my aid, but now I want my ice cream

Just a bully

Sometimes I wonder what makes miserable people so miserable. Seemingly small things that shouldn’t make or break our day can cause such a huge stir enough so to ruin an entire day if we let it. Do those people get a certain satisfaction from talking down to other people they think they are superior over? Yeah, I had an incident recently and it has caused me to think it over. I guess not everyone can be easy going and let things slide. I certainly wouldn’t be bothered by certain little things. I figure that it takes way too much energy to be such an irritated person all the time. Can you imagine? Constantly having something to berate someone for. Karma…that’s all I have to say. I will just politely take my lumps from the individual and let them feel their satisfaction in knowing they got me. I realize that everyone has their bad days, but if it’s a chronic issue that can no longer be blamed simply on a bad day. We can’t let every day be a bad day. Where did the quality of life go at that point?

The most embarrassing part—I was okay after she left, but I needed a moment to recover. However, a few people heard the conversation and came over to ask if I was okay, etc. I shrugged it off and said that I was letting it slide. That person got what they wanted by letting out some aggression. After the dust settled and everyone walked away I felt the tears in my eyes. I think it was more because of the offer for help (even though it came after the bully left). I quickly gathered myself and continued to work. I just wanted to be alone and clear my head.

I know my pregnancy is probably not helping with the whole sensitivity thing either. I felt myself wanting to defend, but decided not too since I’m sure my hormones would have done most of the talking, so in the long run it was much better to just be the better person and let her have her say. At least from my perspective I am conscious of how it feels and make an effort not to make others feel that way.

As for my pregnancy. I am nine weeks along now and tired still. I could probably sleep all the time if I was home. Just in the last few days food has started to taste bad! I can’t eat that much and I’m almost always nauseated. I do love Honey-Nut cheerios though! I could probably eat a bowl for all three meals they are so good. My first doctor’s appointment is next Friday. I am looking forward to go because then we can set up the appointment for my first ultrasound to see the baby and make it more of a reality. It’s hard to believe it’s really happening for me.

Pregnant

I found out that I am pregnant on Thursday of last week. I am six weeks pregnant right now and thrilled. I hope that everything goes well. I have wanted this child for almost ten years now. I am glad that it didn’t happen during my first marriage though, so it’s good that it has taken this long, I guess. I am 28 and most of my friends have two or three kids. Rather than comparing myself to them all these years I have just tried to enjoy my life. I have had a great four years of marriage with my second husband.

So, I don’t know how people do it. How do they wait three months to tell people that they are expecting? I couldn’t wait three hours to tell my parents and family. I also had to sneak in a few announcements to a few close friends. I know I have six weeks left before I am supposed to tell people and at that point I doubt there will be anyone left to tell. Oh well.

I have been feeling super tired the last week or two. I could just sleep all day, but I can’t. I have two jobs and between them I work 70 hours a week. I am cutting back on those hours quickly though. Today I went for a short walk on my morning break and I started to feel very nauseated. I had a few gross burps and thought that I was going to throw up on the street and was grossed out by that. I took a few deep breaths and concentrated on getting back to my work as quickly as possible. I made it, but did not throw up. I just feel super sick at the moment. I hope that this will go away quickly. I had also hoped that I would be one of the lucky ladies that get through the first trimester without morning sickness.

I am thrilled though with the idea of having a child although I am petrified of miscarriage. I hope that my child makes it. I try not to think about it because there is nothing I can do about it. My first doctor appointment for the baby is in November. I can’t wait to see the ultrasound and see the little peanut!

Symptoms: Tired, hungry (but if the nausea persists then I’m sure that will change), did I say tired, breast tenderness, and I have to go to the bathroom all the time. I also just lost a little bit of weight, but I’m sure that I’ll be gaining that back plus some by the time the baby comes.

I am going on a business trip in a few weeks and I’m worried that I’ll be throwing up on the entire flight. I hope that doesn’t happen. We’ll have to see how I feel when that time comes. I’m nervous already about flying because I usually take Dramamine or Valium. I’ll have to ask my MD if there is anything I can do for this flight. I have those motion sickness bands too, so maybe I’ll wear those as well.

Eyeliner woes

I was reminded of an experience in high school this morning when I was putting my eyeliner on--strange, because the only thing in common is the eyeliner. This morning I decided to put eye linter on. I don’t always put eyeliner and mascara on (lazy). The pencil needed sharpening, so I went ahead and did that. I then proceeded to apply. I finished my first eye without incident, but then I started my right eye and a little piece of wood must have fallen off into my eye. Ten minutes later I was still trying to wash my eye out. I couldn’t keep my eye open long enough to try to find the wood chip. It was unpleasant to say the least. I decided not to reapply the eyeliner, so now that I think of it I have one eye with eyeliner and one eye without! Ugh! It is now four hours later and my eye is finally feeling better now.

My memory from high school was in French class. I don’t remember what year, but it was either sophomore or junior. We must have been finishing class or doing some group work. A female acquaintance asked me if I was wearing eyeliner. I said I wasn’t (but I was). She then said that she was just going to say that it looked good on me. I will always remember that. I was so unsure of myself. I was afraid that she was going to tell me that it looked hideous, so that’s why I instantly denied. Of course she saw that I was lying. After I lied I couldn’t turn around and say, just kidding I am wearing eyeliner.

I also remember almost falling asleep daily in Mrs. Nixon’s English class my senior year. I couldn’t stay awake. I think it’s because in addition to attending seminary every weekday morning before school in the years prior to that I had band practice for zero period and that kept me on my feet and busy. I also woke up at 5 in the morning every day while I was in high school. I’m thankful that I haven’t seen that time of the morning in a long time.

The importance of floss

I ran out of floss the other day and knew it was going to be a bad day.

I had a bad day at work the other day. I just got back from a week vacation (which was wonderful by the way) on Tuesday and apparently while I was away some things happened. I could have fixed the problems had I been here, but I focused on other things before I left and let a few things fall through the cracks. Bummer. I was not punished or written up, but my supervisors were concerned that I was overloaded with work. I think I’m busy, but I like to be busy. I figure that my problem was just that I focused on other things before my trip and what can you do? There were also miscommunications involved. For a particular meeting I thought I had informed the people involved, but three of the five did not show up. Later one admitted to not listening when I informed her. Anyhow, I am the type of person to take myself very critically. I punish myself for wrongdoings. I thought about what happened for a day or two. Life is fine now at work and I love my job. At work they think I’m very capable and can handle anything.

Sometimes I feel like a fake though. I have this persona that I show other people. I show people a confident, happy, friendly person. Inside I’m afraid that I’ll mess up. I’m not good enough. I’m afraid that one day people will see me for who I really am. Once someone told me that I was the nicest person they knew. I felt so bad for her. I think unkind things about other people, she was one of them. I never told her any of the things I was thinking, so she thought I was nice, but I know what I was thinking. I hate to hurt people’s feelings.
Here is another thing I’m worried about. Motherhood! I want to have a child, but I don’t want to mess him/her up. I know that some of my childhood was messed up because of my parents and their relationship and I am terrified of doing that to my children. I have a good marriage this time around, but still, I’m scared. Okay, I’m also worried about gaining 30+ pounds while I’m pregnant and never loosing it like family members of mine.

Maybe I’m just hormonal right now and that’s why I’m worried so much about work, bills, and motherhood. Typical female, right? Blame it on hormones.

Real World

I was just catching up some Real World episodes I’ve missed and I just watched the one today where Danny found out his mother passed away. It was heart wrenching to watch his reaction. I went back to work (I watched it on my lunch break) and thought about the episode some more. I would be crushed, obviously, if anything happened to either parent. It’s strange because I claim to have a closer relationship to my dad, there is certainly more trust there, but on the other hand I talk to my mother far more than I talk to my father, which is strange because basically whatever I tell her is then shared with the rest of the family. It’s like I can’t help myself. I just call her up and spill everything—well, just about everything.

As far as my dad is concerned, he had a bout with prostate cancer a while back. Yeah, he is okay now, but he really struggled with it and for a while there I was very concerned about his wellbeing. I remember going to church on Father’s Day (I couldn’t be with him that year) and I just couldn’t stay. Everyone’s talks were centered on fathers. I was petrified of loosing him at that point and just couldn’t hang.

High School Reunions

I am at that time in my life when I am preparing for my 10 year high school reunion. I didn't think that would happen. It's funny how quickly time passes. I never believed my parents when they said that because when I was in high school it took forever to pass. Now I am doing the cliche weight loss thing prior to the October event. I am looking forward to going and seeing some of my old aquaintences, but the people that mattered most to me from high school I still keep in touch with anyway, so I wonder if it is truely worth it to spend the 85 dollars a head. That seems like a lot of money for a crummy dinner and uncomfortable silences. Still, I am going to make the trip and just attend so I don't regret it later on.