Could have beens

My due date would have been today. I have been thinking about Cali a lot in the past few weeks and what it might have been like. I think it’s appropriate to blog about her a little bit today. I remember in the past when I would watch TV shows that like Grey’s Anatomy and the story line included a woman who had to give birth to a still birth baby I always wondered how the woman did it. How could she push and go through all the pain of labor for a baby she wouldn’t get to raise? I thought it must be difficult to have the energy to push through all the grief. Then, unfortunately I had to experience it first hand and now I realize that it’s just something to get through. It was my obstacle to overcome and it’s up to me how I handle it. Hopefully someday I’ll be in labor again and I’ll have a different story to tell.

Eli Stone

If I worked in the same law office as Eli Stone I would definitely have listened to his urgings about the earthquake in San Francisco. I would have been right there in the park with the rest of the Eli Stone believers. Not just for the fact that I love Eli, but because I am petrified of earthquakes and if someone told me there was going to be a big one and where I might be safe I'd be all over it. I'd be the first one there with my earthquake backpack ready to go. And for the first time ever I was hoping for an earthquake at the end of the episode...vindication!!! I'm so looking forward to the season finale on Sunday night. Check it out!!!

Rock of Love

I’m so glad that Brett picked Ambre to be his Rock of Love! However I am a bit skeptical about them staying together. Why you ask? It’s reality TV. The romantic in me wishes it would be a love match and they will live happily ever after, but the realist inside is telling me no way it won’t work. Perhaps they have already parted ways…who knows? Who cares? A break up will just make way for The Rock of Love 3 (with three daggers through a heart) if things don’t work out and that’s good entertainment.

A taste of Winter

I cleared snow off my car this morning…snow!!!

Good Works

People still do nice things for other people with out expecting anything in return. I know this to be a fact because I have been the recipient of kind acts recently. As recent as lunchtime today in fact. It’s nice to see that even when no one is looking and it’s not the holiday season people do think of others. Thank you…you know who you are and I really do appreciate it. I’m proud to call you friend and I’m always thankful to find quality people.

In my life I have been incredibly blessed in the friend department. I love you guys!

Disclaimer and Cali

This is my disclaimer: I created my blog to share only fertility related information because when I was trying to conceive I liked to read other people’s journeys, so I thought I could put one out there for other people (strangers) to trip upon that were trying to get pregnant. It was not my original intention to share it with family and friends, but then recently when we had our loss I emailed it out to everyone. It was just easier to have people check that out I guess. I make this confession because I am a little embarrassed that I shared all that fertility junk, but it is what it is.

Now for the regular updates: On my birthday recently I had a delicious ice cream cake from Cold Stone. Just before picking up the cake though we went to pick up Cali from the funeral home since it was on the same end of town. I received a call earlier in the day to let us know she was ready to pick up. Dom and I came to the decision to have Cali cremated mainly because we did not want to suffer though another funeral for a baby. That was one of the things I dreaded the most when Orion passed away. Before picking her up we were planning on just spreading her ashes in Santa Barbara with family and then go for lunch together, but now that we have her we both feel the urge to keep her. We will still go to lunch with family in Santa Barbara though even if we don’t do the memorial! How about lunch at The Habit? Mmmm, good stuff. I can’t wait to visit.




We decided to visit Florida for our vacation later this year. I want to visit Miami and Key Largo to see some tropical water. Dom is looking forward to the theme parks of Orlando. It will be a nice vacation for both of us to enjoy. I’d like to visit an aquarium while we are there since that’s one of our favorite things to do as well. I was looking online at the aquarium in Miami and it looks like a place I’d like to see. At least we have some time to make plans.

With that vacation in mind I went to the gym yesterday to start jogging again. I was up to a mile just before I got pregnant, so I hope to get to that point pretty quickly again. Yesterday I think I over did it though. I planned on only jogging a few minutes and ended up challenging myself to just go a minute longer for a few minutes too many. I am sore. I have apparently not used my jogging muscles in six months! I'll get over it though.

January 19, 2008

In the great words of creative genius Barry Manilow “I made it through the rain.” I delivered my babies early morning on January 19. The delivery itself went smoothly and was physically painless thanks to the epidural. The hospital experience was great. I felt compassion from the nurses and the doctors. I came home by late morning/early afternoon on Saturday and rested all weekend. I was sad when Dom had to go back to work on Monday morning. Just the same as with Orion I was feeling extra clingy and wanted him to be home. I’m glad I don’t have to set foot outside today though because it’s 5 degrees at the moment. Very chilly. Crazy as this might sound we have already decided that we have one more pregnancy in us. See how quickly that happens? Just a few days ago I never wanted to do it again. We are now planning a nice vacation. We said it after Orion, but didn’t do it. Now we have double the reason to go. It will be nice to just get away for a little while. In the near future I’m looking forward to returning to the gym to jog again. That will be therapeutic in itself. Dom and I are doing okay.

Here's an interesting fact: Orion passed away on my father's birthday in 2006 and Cali was stillborn on my mother's birthday this year. Strange coincidence?

Sad News

I had a doctor appointment yesterday for a check up. My doctor could not find Cali’s heartbeat, so she sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound there. Unfortunately the ultrasound confirmed that Cali had very recently passed. I went back to the doctor’s office and planned to come to the hospital very early this morning to induce labor…a process that can take 48 hours or so.

At this point I’m wondering if it’s something I did that caused her to pass away and I have lost confidence in successfully having a baby in the future. I’m not sure I’ll try getting pregnant again. I say that now, but I felt that way after Orion was born too, so maybe that will pass.

So, for now I just watch TV and wait. I am scared. I admit that. I try not to think about delivery too much though at this point. I’ll worry about it when we get there.

I just talked to the doctor and she told me that it was not anything I did and we will probably never know why she passed away. I just want to get this over with instead of waiting here in the hospital room anticipating.

The cats

Dom and I have two cats that live with us. We adopted Peaches (the calico) first. Dom didn’t want to get a cat, but it turned out that Peaches was all his. She didn’t even let me touch her unless I caught her for the first few years. Now she graces me with her presence from time to time for a pet or two. Peaches follows Dom around the house like a puppy and I think it’s kind of cute to see the bond that he reluctantly formed with her. Soon after we adopted Peach I decided that it just wasn’t fair that I wanted the cat and she didn’t even let me pet her, so I convinced Dom that I needed my very own kitten. Off to Oxnard we went to adopt Lola (black and white). Thankfully my plan worked out and Lola is all mine. What a sweet cat. The reason I give the background on this is because recently one morning Dom got up super early to do some snow removal work before going to his regular job. He left around 3:45 and very soon after he locked the front door to leave Peaches started crying for him. Not meowing, crying. It’s loud. It’s fairly annoying being that I enjoy my sleep very much and it was early morning. Not fun to hear that little cat echo through the house. I called out her name a few times and usually that works, but no, not this particular morning. Separation anxiety anyone?

As for the pregnancy I’m now 24 weeks pregnant and all seems to be going well. Last night when I was going to sleep Cali was kicking and I think even hard enough for Dom to feel finally. Hopefully today I’ll get some more good kicks and he will be able to experience Cali. I’ve been horrible about taking pictures of my belly this time. Last time I took one every month. I need to get on top of that.

Reality show commentary

I had an ultrasound a little over a week ago and all went well. The baby looks good and I feel more confident now about this pregnancy. She was moving around a lot during the ultrasound and got the hiccups towards the end. It’s nice to feel her moving now and find it a nice reassurance that she is doing okay.

Last night I had a difficult time getting to sleep what with heartburn and all, so I flipped the channels for a while and read a book. I am not a fan of the pseudo reality show Newport Harbor on MTV and haven’t watched it before, but last night I watched because I saw Santa Barbara in the information caption. I watched it solely to see area shots of Dom’s hometown…how pathetic is that. I admit I was feeling a smidge homesick at that moment. Miss you SB! What a beautiful city.

Also, I watched the Real World last night (which I am addicted to). Those kids are so lucky to be in Sydney! I’d really like to visit Australia someday. I know that through the magic of editing we the audience will form opinions based on how the producers decide to paint people, but I’m not a fan of Dunbar’s. He’s not a very nice person and I just don’t get it. Are we missing some of the information here? Are the girls egging him on and we just get to see the fall out? I just don’t understand why a girl would want to date a guy like him in the first place based on only information I have seen on TV. Just my humble opinion here. The other two guys on the show though I think are just cute as pie.

It’s starting to snow outside. Nice!

Biscuit breakfast, yum

I love having the bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit at McDonalds for breakfast. It’s so good. I made the mistake of ordering orange juice with the meal this morning and I’m definitely paying for it now. I had orange juice a few weeks ago with a breakfast meal and felt sick the rest of the morning. I don’t think my baby likes orange juice all that much. Yuck. I feel pretty darn sick right now. Lesson learned. No more orange juice.

I realize this commentary is a little late since the Bachelor has been over for a few weeks now, but here it is…I watched the Bachelor this season. I’m not a big bachelor fan, but the first night I couldn’t get to sleep and watched it and was sucked in from then on. I was sure that he would pick DeAnna, but I’m so glad he didn’t pick either woman. Everyone knows that those relationships don’t work out anyway, so I like him more for the decision he made. Go Brad…that is his name, right? I think it is.

I called to order pizza the other night and when they asked for my phone number I completely blanked out. I could not for the life of me remember how my phone number started. I tried to stall while I racked my brain by asking my husband if it was his number we use for the pizza (I couldn’t remember his number at the moment either).

I’m 19 weeks preggers now and feeling okay. I’ve been taking Vitamin B-6 in the mornings and I think it has helped a bit with the sickness. I’m halfway there…Orion was born at 38 weeks, so I’m thinking she might come early too. I’m looking forward to my next ultrasound. It will be nice to see that she is okay and everything looks good. I’m just a little nervous still because of the demise of the little boy in there. It’s a small chance that I’m going to loose her, but I’m just a little gun shy about the whole baby thing. I went to Sears over the weekend to have a tire patched and looked at some girl baby clothing. Everything is so pink!!! I felt much more comfortable in the boy section, but I’m going to have to adjust. I want to start buying things for her, but I’m just worried it’s going to jinx something. I think I’ll wait until after Christmas and just focus on her after the new year.

17 weeks

I’m 17 weeks pregnant today and on Thursday I lost my son to SMA. It was difficult and painful, but now we can go on with hope for our daughter. I have three weeks of increased risk for miscarriage (5%), but I’m trying not to dwell on that. I do think about it, but I try to assure myself that I have a great chance that all will be well with her. I just want everything to work out okay for that little girl inside me. So, in a few weeks I’ll get another ultrasound to see how things are going in there. I look forward to April when the baby comes. For now I’m counting down the days to Christmas because all of this will be behind me and with luck I’ll have a bigger belly and be able to indulge in holiday treats. I’m still feeling sick in the evenings and sometimes during the day, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll have more luck with food next month!
I’m still not ready to buy girl’s clothing or anything baby yet. It’s still too soon for me. I think once the New Year hits I’ll be on track for baby shopping.
In just three weeks I'll be halfway through my pregnancy!!! Hurray!

15 weeks now

I’m 15 weeks pregnant and still feeling a little queasy in the evenings!!! Not fair twins. I think they just don’t like me. I might have to start grounding early. This pregnancy has been different in that I’m getting headaches fairly often. It’s not my favorite thing either. Enough with the complaining though because I can’t wait to have a little baby in my arms come the springtime.
I went to have my CVS test done during week 12 and I was so nervous. They did an ultrasound prior to the test to make sure they could test both kids and thankfully the test was a go. Unfortunately one of the babies had extra fluid behind the neck, so the doctor was immediately concerned and also ordered a rapid test on the chromosomes to see what was going on there. Upon hearing this news I was completely stressed out and upset that not only did we have SMA to deal with we had this other mystery chromosome thing haunting us. I did ask if this could be a sign of SMA because Orion did have extra fluid in his brain towards the end of the pregnancy. They said that SMA could not be detected on ultrasound, but I’m thinking at least that extra fluid can be a trigger for us in the future (if we decide to get pregnant again). Long story short the chromosomes came back normal on both babies. We were told that the SMA testing would take a month, but thankfully it only took one week. We have a boy that has SMA and he is the baby with the extra fluid. The other baby is a girl and she does not have SMA.
I had kind of expected the news that one of the babies would have SMA, so I was disappointed to hear it, but also prepared in a way. Maybe we just won’t be able to have sons in this lifetime. I was told by the geneticist that he looks pretty sick and babies with this much fluid most likely pass prior to birth. I have to say that I’m so thankful that Orion was born and that we were able to get him diagnosed! Otherwise we would have just thought I had a miscarriage and then we’d live the nightmare again someday.
Last night I was thinking about the CNN newsperson Nancy Grace and her twins. She had boy/girl twins. The boy is 5 pounds and the girl 2 pounds. I had a dream that I had my twins and they were the same weights as Nancy Grace’s children. In my dream my boy passed away…which we know will happen at some point soon anyway, but I was completely anxious over my little two pound girl who was struggling. It was a day by day hour by hour fear that she wasn’t going to survive. I woke up and tried to shake the dream by thinking about other things, but when I went back to sleep I continued to dream about this. What a nightmare…and so real to me. I just want everything to turn out okay for her.
On a lighter note I’m so excited to have a healthy baby in there. It’s weird to think girl now. I went through Orion’s clothing over the weekend and decided to re-gift some items and give away the others to friends that are having boys. I had to keep a few of the outfits and then we are keeping the neutral and some blue items anyway. I have been in boy mode for a while now, so I’ll have to start to think pink soon! I have a few favorite names, so that’s good.
I have a bit of a cold right now, so I’ve had the sniffles and sneeze a lot. I was on my way to the restroom in the afternoon (one of the many trips I take throughout the day) and sneezed. A little bit of pee came out!!! That’s a first. I laughed so hard. I’m getting old and definitely pregnant.
Also, I think I feel movement from time to time from the little ones. It’s kind of fun and my favorite part of pregnancy for sure. It’s such a special feeling. One morning I woke up and it felt like I had little caterpillars moving around in there. It’s strange with twins. It’s sad that they both are not healthy and we will not be able to raise them together, but I am counting my blessings that I’ll have my little gal in just under six months!!!

12 WEEKS!!!

Okay, so magical week 12 has arrived…the week I’ve been waiting for, right? I was supposed to wake up and have a normal day full of energy and free from nausea. Not my story. Bummer. Any day now. I’m ready. Last night was particularly uncomfortable, but I’ll make it. I can be starving one minute and so sick the next. It doesn’t take long. I get an ultrasound this week, so it’s always nice to see the little bugs and heartbeats. I’m excited about that. I’m starting to get nervous, however, for the test that will follow the ultrasound. It’s time for our CVS testing. Hopefully all will go well and we will find out that both kids are healthy and SMA free!!! That is the goal here after all. Here are the cons: First it might snow this week and cause problems for going through the mountains to get to the city where we are getting the testing done. Second, I’m in week 12 and almost 13 at that point which is the cut off for CVS testing to be done. If the kids are too big they cannot perform the test. Third, since it’s twins it may not be possible at all to do the test depending on how they are positioned. We are told we have a 50/50 chance of getting the testing done. Then if we do get lucky and the planets are in line we wait the two weeks for the results. I hate test results. It reminds me of the wait for Orion’s results. I wanted to know desperately, but at the same time it sealed his fate and made us realize the reality of the situation with him. On a positive note most of the time I feel very good about this pregnancy. Of course I’m going to have worries, but all in all I feel like I’ll get my two healthy children out of this.

Twins!

I have two babies in my belly! They both have heartbeats and look to be the same size. I can't believe it. My knees are still weak from the sight. It's amazing! I might just be blessed with two children in the spring!

Seven Weeks!

I have become a Mark Walberg fan in recent years. No, I don’t have posters of him up in my bedroom because I’ve outgrown that now. I’ve really enjoyed recent movies I’ve seen that he is a part of and a fan of Entourage as well. As far as I’m concerned he’s brilliant. Love him…no, I mean I love him. He’s beefy and handsome. I’ve typically been a fool for brown headed or dark haired males in the past, so he fits right in to that…and those blue eyes. So, I watched the movie Shooter recently and he did a great job. I also thought the muscle tone was great. It’s more about his physical appearance for me…I’ll be honest. Who needs Brad when there’s Mark? (Except for Legend’s of the Fall Brad, not too bad).

I’m seven weeks pregnant now. I’m still feeling tired and have been suffering from afternoon and early evening sickness. Last night I had a hard time getting dinner down. Smells are definitely a problem for me. Yuck. I do okay for breakfast and then after lunch it’s over. All bets are off. Tomorrow I have my first ultrasound for this pregnancy and I’m super excited. I’m a little nervous that we aren’t going to see a little heart beating, but it will be nice to get past this. Back to the food thing though…my favorite foods this time are Fried Zucchini, Nacho Doritos, and Salsa. I definitely like salty foods this time around. Last time it was fruit and Honey Nut Cheerios.

5 weeks

I love salty food! Give me more pickles! I’ve lost my sweet tooth (not such a bad thing). Last time I was pregnant wanted strawberries and honey nut cheerios. So far in the short time I’ve been pregnant I love Nacho Doritos and Fried Zucchini. Yum. I’ve been eating an apple daily too just to try for a balance.

I did four HCG levels and they are doubling just like they are supposed to. I’m excited and now anticipate the next thing on the checklist. I’m going to have an ultrasound on week seven to check for a heartbeat. I’ll be happy to see the heartbeat. What I’m really looking forward to is getting negative test results when I get the CVS around week 10. This is the test that will tell us if we are loosing another baby or getting a healthy one. I hope we fall into the 75% chance of a healthy kid this time. I want a Spinal Muscle Atrophy free baby. After that test I think I’ll truly get excited and get into organizing the nursery again and taking inventory of what items I might need still. I’m so nervous about the test results. There is nothing I can do about it though. The genetic make up of the little one is already determined at this point.

I look forward to the holidays if this baby is healthy because then I’ll be glowing and growing with pregnancy and able to truly celebrate. Otherwise it might be a murky holiday season. I’d like to think this will turn out well for us this time though.

Nail Biter!

I’ve been biting my nails the past few days wondering if I was going to have good HCG numbers or not. I had my positive pregnancy test a few days before my cycle should have started and then I did the blood test to confirm. So…the second blood test was scary because the HCG didn’t double in 48 hours. They asked me to do another day and it was hard waiting for that phone call this afternoon. I was hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Thankfully my numbers doubled! I’m happy to still be in the game. I might have to do another test on Sunday, but they said they’d call me back about that. I’m glad it went up. Now I can relax a bit this weekend.

I’ve been bad and haven’t gone to the gym since last week. I usually go every day. I just haven’t felt well in the afternoons. I’m still doing okay today, so I’m just going to go for it. I am going to discontinue jogging and just do the elliptical or walk the treadmill for a while, but at least I want to work out 5 days a week. That’s the goal anyway.

HCG Test

So, I just had my second blood test this morning to see how my HCG levels are doing. I really hope all is going well. I’m nervous about getting the test results, but will be very relieved when I hear they are progressing as they should be. That’s what I hope for anyway. Last time I heard back from the doctor’s office around 1, so I hope my morning passes quickly. I just pray that everything goes smoothly this time.

Sweet Success

This weekend I went out of town for a few days and enjoyed spending time with some friends. I had an increased sensitivity to smells. I couldn’t even eat lunch on Saturday because my husband put vinegar on his French fries and it was just too strong.

This morning I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!!! I’m sooo excited. I’m allowing myself a little bit of excitement over just being able to conceive. Like last time I got the positive test, but I’m still doubting. I called my doctor’s office and they are going to order a blood test for me today and then again in 48 hours.

In week or two I’ll probably start worrying about what might happen when we have the CVS test to see if the baby has SMA. That will be a huge milestone for us to pass through. I have to keep reminding myself that we do have a 75% chance that all will be well for this baby and me, but it’s still a nerve racking process for sure!

I feel like I deserve a moment to be just happy about this. We have tried so hard for this and I’m not going to let negativity drag me down…yet.

We are going to keep this pregnancy to ourselves and a few friends at this point. After we get our testing done we will share the news with everyone else. That’s the plan anyway. It’s difficult to keep it inside.