Just a bully

Sometimes I wonder what makes miserable people so miserable. Seemingly small things that shouldn’t make or break our day can cause such a huge stir enough so to ruin an entire day if we let it. Do those people get a certain satisfaction from talking down to other people they think they are superior over? Yeah, I had an incident recently and it has caused me to think it over. I guess not everyone can be easy going and let things slide. I certainly wouldn’t be bothered by certain little things. I figure that it takes way too much energy to be such an irritated person all the time. Can you imagine? Constantly having something to berate someone for. Karma…that’s all I have to say. I will just politely take my lumps from the individual and let them feel their satisfaction in knowing they got me. I realize that everyone has their bad days, but if it’s a chronic issue that can no longer be blamed simply on a bad day. We can’t let every day be a bad day. Where did the quality of life go at that point?

The most embarrassing part—I was okay after she left, but I needed a moment to recover. However, a few people heard the conversation and came over to ask if I was okay, etc. I shrugged it off and said that I was letting it slide. That person got what they wanted by letting out some aggression. After the dust settled and everyone walked away I felt the tears in my eyes. I think it was more because of the offer for help (even though it came after the bully left). I quickly gathered myself and continued to work. I just wanted to be alone and clear my head.

I know my pregnancy is probably not helping with the whole sensitivity thing either. I felt myself wanting to defend, but decided not too since I’m sure my hormones would have done most of the talking, so in the long run it was much better to just be the better person and let her have her say. At least from my perspective I am conscious of how it feels and make an effort not to make others feel that way.

As for my pregnancy. I am nine weeks along now and tired still. I could probably sleep all the time if I was home. Just in the last few days food has started to taste bad! I can’t eat that much and I’m almost always nauseated. I do love Honey-Nut cheerios though! I could probably eat a bowl for all three meals they are so good. My first doctor’s appointment is next Friday. I am looking forward to go because then we can set up the appointment for my first ultrasound to see the baby and make it more of a reality. It’s hard to believe it’s really happening for me.

Pregnant

I found out that I am pregnant on Thursday of last week. I am six weeks pregnant right now and thrilled. I hope that everything goes well. I have wanted this child for almost ten years now. I am glad that it didn’t happen during my first marriage though, so it’s good that it has taken this long, I guess. I am 28 and most of my friends have two or three kids. Rather than comparing myself to them all these years I have just tried to enjoy my life. I have had a great four years of marriage with my second husband.

So, I don’t know how people do it. How do they wait three months to tell people that they are expecting? I couldn’t wait three hours to tell my parents and family. I also had to sneak in a few announcements to a few close friends. I know I have six weeks left before I am supposed to tell people and at that point I doubt there will be anyone left to tell. Oh well.

I have been feeling super tired the last week or two. I could just sleep all day, but I can’t. I have two jobs and between them I work 70 hours a week. I am cutting back on those hours quickly though. Today I went for a short walk on my morning break and I started to feel very nauseated. I had a few gross burps and thought that I was going to throw up on the street and was grossed out by that. I took a few deep breaths and concentrated on getting back to my work as quickly as possible. I made it, but did not throw up. I just feel super sick at the moment. I hope that this will go away quickly. I had also hoped that I would be one of the lucky ladies that get through the first trimester without morning sickness.

I am thrilled though with the idea of having a child although I am petrified of miscarriage. I hope that my child makes it. I try not to think about it because there is nothing I can do about it. My first doctor appointment for the baby is in November. I can’t wait to see the ultrasound and see the little peanut!

Symptoms: Tired, hungry (but if the nausea persists then I’m sure that will change), did I say tired, breast tenderness, and I have to go to the bathroom all the time. I also just lost a little bit of weight, but I’m sure that I’ll be gaining that back plus some by the time the baby comes.

I am going on a business trip in a few weeks and I’m worried that I’ll be throwing up on the entire flight. I hope that doesn’t happen. We’ll have to see how I feel when that time comes. I’m nervous already about flying because I usually take Dramamine or Valium. I’ll have to ask my MD if there is anything I can do for this flight. I have those motion sickness bands too, so maybe I’ll wear those as well.

Eyeliner woes

I was reminded of an experience in high school this morning when I was putting my eyeliner on--strange, because the only thing in common is the eyeliner. This morning I decided to put eye linter on. I don’t always put eyeliner and mascara on (lazy). The pencil needed sharpening, so I went ahead and did that. I then proceeded to apply. I finished my first eye without incident, but then I started my right eye and a little piece of wood must have fallen off into my eye. Ten minutes later I was still trying to wash my eye out. I couldn’t keep my eye open long enough to try to find the wood chip. It was unpleasant to say the least. I decided not to reapply the eyeliner, so now that I think of it I have one eye with eyeliner and one eye without! Ugh! It is now four hours later and my eye is finally feeling better now.

My memory from high school was in French class. I don’t remember what year, but it was either sophomore or junior. We must have been finishing class or doing some group work. A female acquaintance asked me if I was wearing eyeliner. I said I wasn’t (but I was). She then said that she was just going to say that it looked good on me. I will always remember that. I was so unsure of myself. I was afraid that she was going to tell me that it looked hideous, so that’s why I instantly denied. Of course she saw that I was lying. After I lied I couldn’t turn around and say, just kidding I am wearing eyeliner.

I also remember almost falling asleep daily in Mrs. Nixon’s English class my senior year. I couldn’t stay awake. I think it’s because in addition to attending seminary every weekday morning before school in the years prior to that I had band practice for zero period and that kept me on my feet and busy. I also woke up at 5 in the morning every day while I was in high school. I’m thankful that I haven’t seen that time of the morning in a long time.

The importance of floss

I ran out of floss the other day and knew it was going to be a bad day.

I had a bad day at work the other day. I just got back from a week vacation (which was wonderful by the way) on Tuesday and apparently while I was away some things happened. I could have fixed the problems had I been here, but I focused on other things before I left and let a few things fall through the cracks. Bummer. I was not punished or written up, but my supervisors were concerned that I was overloaded with work. I think I’m busy, but I like to be busy. I figure that my problem was just that I focused on other things before my trip and what can you do? There were also miscommunications involved. For a particular meeting I thought I had informed the people involved, but three of the five did not show up. Later one admitted to not listening when I informed her. Anyhow, I am the type of person to take myself very critically. I punish myself for wrongdoings. I thought about what happened for a day or two. Life is fine now at work and I love my job. At work they think I’m very capable and can handle anything.

Sometimes I feel like a fake though. I have this persona that I show other people. I show people a confident, happy, friendly person. Inside I’m afraid that I’ll mess up. I’m not good enough. I’m afraid that one day people will see me for who I really am. Once someone told me that I was the nicest person they knew. I felt so bad for her. I think unkind things about other people, she was one of them. I never told her any of the things I was thinking, so she thought I was nice, but I know what I was thinking. I hate to hurt people’s feelings.
Here is another thing I’m worried about. Motherhood! I want to have a child, but I don’t want to mess him/her up. I know that some of my childhood was messed up because of my parents and their relationship and I am terrified of doing that to my children. I have a good marriage this time around, but still, I’m scared. Okay, I’m also worried about gaining 30+ pounds while I’m pregnant and never loosing it like family members of mine.

Maybe I’m just hormonal right now and that’s why I’m worried so much about work, bills, and motherhood. Typical female, right? Blame it on hormones.

Real World

I was just catching up some Real World episodes I’ve missed and I just watched the one today where Danny found out his mother passed away. It was heart wrenching to watch his reaction. I went back to work (I watched it on my lunch break) and thought about the episode some more. I would be crushed, obviously, if anything happened to either parent. It’s strange because I claim to have a closer relationship to my dad, there is certainly more trust there, but on the other hand I talk to my mother far more than I talk to my father, which is strange because basically whatever I tell her is then shared with the rest of the family. It’s like I can’t help myself. I just call her up and spill everything—well, just about everything.

As far as my dad is concerned, he had a bout with prostate cancer a while back. Yeah, he is okay now, but he really struggled with it and for a while there I was very concerned about his wellbeing. I remember going to church on Father’s Day (I couldn’t be with him that year) and I just couldn’t stay. Everyone’s talks were centered on fathers. I was petrified of loosing him at that point and just couldn’t hang.

High School Reunions

I am at that time in my life when I am preparing for my 10 year high school reunion. I didn't think that would happen. It's funny how quickly time passes. I never believed my parents when they said that because when I was in high school it took forever to pass. Now I am doing the cliche weight loss thing prior to the October event. I am looking forward to going and seeing some of my old aquaintences, but the people that mattered most to me from high school I still keep in touch with anyway, so I wonder if it is truely worth it to spend the 85 dollars a head. That seems like a lot of money for a crummy dinner and uncomfortable silences. Still, I am going to make the trip and just attend so I don't regret it later on.