7/25/06
I got up at the crack of dawn (545AM) to get ready to meet a friend of mine to take a morning hike. We had a great walk even though I had to force myself out of bed to get there. I’m glad I did it and I’m actually thinking about getting up early a few times a week to walk. I usually like to exercise after work before dinner, but it has been so hot lately morning is better at the moment. I’m trying to get back into a good work out routine. I like exercising, I know, crazy. It’s true though. It feels weird to do lower abdominal work still though. It feels like I’m pulling on the incision or something. Hopefully in a few weeks that will start to feel more normal again.
Dom and I went to a lake cabin over the weekend. It was beautiful and there was a fantastic view of Mt. Hood. Dom caught eight small fish. He would like to go back and fish in early fall. I wouldn’t mind. We stayed in a rustic cabin. It was a bit warm at night inside, but we enjoyed being there. I think if we go in the fall it will cool down and we’ll actually have to use the wood stove. It was a relaxing weekend.
It looks like we are already hitting kinks in the road for our family planning. The testing that we need to have done is still considered experimental and is about $2800. Not to mention the need for invitro fertilization (IVF) because of the method of testing and that will cost approx $13,000 for each cycle. I hope to have plenty of healthy eggs to implant so we can have better chances for pregnancy. Otherwise we’ll be spending that amount again for the next try. I’m trying to see if there is any help the insurance can offer me. I’ve already had offers from a few doctors to write letters for me. If we have to get a loan we will. It is worth it to me for a healthy child. I don’t want to make another baby of mine pass away because of SMA. I’ve already had nightmares of having a baby and the baby does not cry when it comes out.
7/31/06
My insurance is looking into the situation for me and deciding whether or not they will cover IVF due to our circumstances. I hope they at least cover one round of IVF…if not more. I would be thankful for whatever they can offer me. I’m just glad they aren’t giving me a flat out no.
We drove to Portland for our consultation with the IVF doctor. We aren’t sure when we are going to get the IVF done, but hope to start before the end of the year or early next year. I’m just going to see what insurance says and then go from there.
Coincidentally we received a phone call from the geneticist in town and informed that the doctor in Portland that gave us the diagnosis for our son just assumed we were both carriers for the disorder. He does not have the lab work to back that up. This can cause a problem with the PGD testing. Dom and I would both have to be carriers for this. If only one of us were a carrier it is a good thing because that means our chances of this happening again are very low.
On Saturday morning I was driving home from the library and noticed the car in front of me slow down. I scanned the road and saw a deer trotting across the four lane busy street. I stopped my car and we all waited for the deer to cross. I was reminded of the area I live in. Back in Santa Barbara or Glendora one would not see a deer try to cross a busy street. I love where I live.
Also on Saturday Dom and I went guitar shopping for his birthday. He found an Ibanez 7 string guitar he had to have, so we purchased it and a teeny amp to go with it. He is thrilled to have a nice guitar though and was already playing up a storm in our spare room all weekend. He says he can’t wait for his calluses to come back on his fingers.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Niece
I thought it would be really hard to see my niece yesterday. She is only a few months old and I thought it might be difficult to hold a little one in my arms. I did feel a bit sad, but I didn’t break down as I had expected to. I just look forward to the day when I can hold babies of my own in my arms once more.
Speaking of holding my own babies…I talked to the geneticist yesterday and she informed me that things look very promising for Dom and me to have the Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis. We are going to her office to get a list of clinics all over the country that have good success rates. It would be nice if the clinic in Portland was good enough, but if we have to fly somewhere for this I’m okay with that. I was euphoric last night. It was very hard to get to sleep because my mind was running in overtime. I really hope to be pregnant by the holiday season. That would be wonderful. We also think it would be fun to get pregnant in January or February so we could possibly have a Halloween baby.
Most of all I’m just looking forward to feeling the little critter moving inside me and kicking, and yes, even the hiccups. I’m excited to be tired and huge and waddling down the street. I even relish the thought of being nauseated constantly again for a few months. I’m just thrilled with the thought because I look forward to holding the little one in my arms at the end of the nine months. I wonder if I’ll be sicker this time with morning sickness. I wonder if I’ll have a multiple birth. Since I’m getting Invitro done it’s going to be a bit higher of a chance for that to happen. We really don’t mind though…two would be just fine with us. We just consider that one less time I have to get pregnant. I already have stretch marks, so why not stretch it some more?
It’s great to feel more hope again. I know that I may not get pregnant the first try with invitro, or even the second, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor for us, so I’m going to be patient see what happens.
Speaking of holding my own babies…I talked to the geneticist yesterday and she informed me that things look very promising for Dom and me to have the Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis. We are going to her office to get a list of clinics all over the country that have good success rates. It would be nice if the clinic in Portland was good enough, but if we have to fly somewhere for this I’m okay with that. I was euphoric last night. It was very hard to get to sleep because my mind was running in overtime. I really hope to be pregnant by the holiday season. That would be wonderful. We also think it would be fun to get pregnant in January or February so we could possibly have a Halloween baby.
Most of all I’m just looking forward to feeling the little critter moving inside me and kicking, and yes, even the hiccups. I’m excited to be tired and huge and waddling down the street. I even relish the thought of being nauseated constantly again for a few months. I’m just thrilled with the thought because I look forward to holding the little one in my arms at the end of the nine months. I wonder if I’ll be sicker this time with morning sickness. I wonder if I’ll have a multiple birth. Since I’m getting Invitro done it’s going to be a bit higher of a chance for that to happen. We really don’t mind though…two would be just fine with us. We just consider that one less time I have to get pregnant. I already have stretch marks, so why not stretch it some more?
It’s great to feel more hope again. I know that I may not get pregnant the first try with invitro, or even the second, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor for us, so I’m going to be patient see what happens.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
July 4th
I had a major melt down yesterday. I think it’s because I had looked forward to the 4th of July while I was pregnant because I knew the baby would be here. Unfortunately he isn’t here anymore. I went to work for a half day and tried to stay busy, but it was a slow day. I decided that I needed to go to the cemetery to visit Orion, so Dom came with me. We sat down in the grass and spent a little time with our son. There was a cool breeze that saved us from burning up. The sun was very warm. After we spent a bit of time there we went to Target for some retail therapy. There were a few items I wanted to get, like a new vacuum cleaner. It’s a really nice one too! Our old vacuum is smelly when it’s running and doesn’t pick things up well.
We came home and it was now about 6:30 in the evening. We were going to start up dinner around 7:30, so we just hung around the house and wasted time. I did okay through dinner, which was delicious by the way. We had steak, ranch style beans, and corn on the cob. I tried a new corn on the cob seasoning recipe and it was yummy. After dinner Dom went outside to start lighting off small fireworks and I started to cry. He came inside to ask if I was okay and I just kept crying…harder now though because he was trying to comfort me. I asked to be alone after a few minutes so that I could get myself together again.
Once alone I walked upstairs and lay on the bed in the nursery to cry more. I wanted to get it all out. I thought I was done, so I got up and decided to step in the shower to cool off, but started crying again (although I hadn’t really stopped completely). I then went downstairs and tried to be social, but was teary eyed and did not want to chat with neighbors. My mom called on my cell phone, so I picked up and cried a bit more. I felt like thing would never be okay again. I had not cried like that since we lost Orion. I didn’t think it would be like that anymore, but it was.
I did, eventually, go outside to watch fireworks, but my heart was just not into the festivities.
So far I feel just tired today and a little sad. I don’t feel as hopeless as I did yesterday. I just hope the labs get here in the mail today so that I can try to get the answer from the geneticist as to whether or not we can get PGD done. I can’t wait to get started on the process, but I also know it will be an emotional journey and harrowing at times. I know that our future family is worth the hard work.
We came home and it was now about 6:30 in the evening. We were going to start up dinner around 7:30, so we just hung around the house and wasted time. I did okay through dinner, which was delicious by the way. We had steak, ranch style beans, and corn on the cob. I tried a new corn on the cob seasoning recipe and it was yummy. After dinner Dom went outside to start lighting off small fireworks and I started to cry. He came inside to ask if I was okay and I just kept crying…harder now though because he was trying to comfort me. I asked to be alone after a few minutes so that I could get myself together again.
Once alone I walked upstairs and lay on the bed in the nursery to cry more. I wanted to get it all out. I thought I was done, so I got up and decided to step in the shower to cool off, but started crying again (although I hadn’t really stopped completely). I then went downstairs and tried to be social, but was teary eyed and did not want to chat with neighbors. My mom called on my cell phone, so I picked up and cried a bit more. I felt like thing would never be okay again. I had not cried like that since we lost Orion. I didn’t think it would be like that anymore, but it was.
I did, eventually, go outside to watch fireworks, but my heart was just not into the festivities.
So far I feel just tired today and a little sad. I don’t feel as hopeless as I did yesterday. I just hope the labs get here in the mail today so that I can try to get the answer from the geneticist as to whether or not we can get PGD done. I can’t wait to get started on the process, but I also know it will be an emotional journey and harrowing at times. I know that our future family is worth the hard work.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Bad news from a friend
I got up on Saturday morning and opened my email. There was one from a good friend of mine, so I opened it after I deleted some of the junk mail. The email was sent out to a group of people announcing that she had to deliver her baby at 20 weeks gestation and the little girl passed away. This brought my feelings to the surface again. I know first hand the nightmare of loosing a baby and the loss of plans for the future. I hit the reply button, but wasn’t sure what to say. I decided to just let her know I was there for her and I shared my strategy on coping with the loss. I plan on staying busy with several things such as taking weekend trips, working out (after 7/10 when I hit the 6 week mark), planning for a future pregnancy, and saving up for a tropical vacation. I also asked if she and her husband wanted to join Dom and me for a camping trip in August somewhere halfway between where she lives and where I live. We can form a support group of sorts. We hope to get pregnant again around the same time and be successful this time! I talked to her on the phone last night and although it was kind of difficult we shared some of our experience with each other. This is something we hope to never have to go through again.
I really do look forward to carrying a child again. I miss feeling the baby moving and the weight of the baby. Yeah, I know I complained at the end like all women do when they are big and uncomfortable, but I really miss it now. I look forward to the day when I have another baby within me to love.
It has only been three weeks since we lost our baby. I sometimes think about the last time I was able to hold him in my arms. It was the only time I was able to hold him without the ventilator attached. When I allow my thoughts to wander and think about some of the precious moments I had with Orion it causes me to tear up. I’ve never been prone to tears as I am these days. I’m sure if and when I start the IVF process by taking extra hormones I’ll be even more of a mess by that point. I’m still so anxious to find out if we can get tested by PGD or not. If we cannot I’m just going to see what happens naturally and hope that our next baby falls into the 75% healthy instead of loosing another child to SMA. I hope the hospital up north sent the records right away and we get them this week. It would be nice! Even nicer though it would be if we could get the PGD and have a 98% chance of a healthy baby! That would be ideal. Less risk involved for sure.
I really do look forward to carrying a child again. I miss feeling the baby moving and the weight of the baby. Yeah, I know I complained at the end like all women do when they are big and uncomfortable, but I really miss it now. I look forward to the day when I have another baby within me to love.
It has only been three weeks since we lost our baby. I sometimes think about the last time I was able to hold him in my arms. It was the only time I was able to hold him without the ventilator attached. When I allow my thoughts to wander and think about some of the precious moments I had with Orion it causes me to tear up. I’ve never been prone to tears as I am these days. I’m sure if and when I start the IVF process by taking extra hormones I’ll be even more of a mess by that point. I’m still so anxious to find out if we can get tested by PGD or not. If we cannot I’m just going to see what happens naturally and hope that our next baby falls into the 75% healthy instead of loosing another child to SMA. I hope the hospital up north sent the records right away and we get them this week. It would be nice! Even nicer though it would be if we could get the PGD and have a 98% chance of a healthy baby! That would be ideal. Less risk involved for sure.
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