July 4th

I had a major melt down yesterday. I think it’s because I had looked forward to the 4th of July while I was pregnant because I knew the baby would be here. Unfortunately he isn’t here anymore. I went to work for a half day and tried to stay busy, but it was a slow day. I decided that I needed to go to the cemetery to visit Orion, so Dom came with me. We sat down in the grass and spent a little time with our son. There was a cool breeze that saved us from burning up. The sun was very warm. After we spent a bit of time there we went to Target for some retail therapy. There were a few items I wanted to get, like a new vacuum cleaner. It’s a really nice one too! Our old vacuum is smelly when it’s running and doesn’t pick things up well.

We came home and it was now about 6:30 in the evening. We were going to start up dinner around 7:30, so we just hung around the house and wasted time. I did okay through dinner, which was delicious by the way. We had steak, ranch style beans, and corn on the cob. I tried a new corn on the cob seasoning recipe and it was yummy. After dinner Dom went outside to start lighting off small fireworks and I started to cry. He came inside to ask if I was okay and I just kept crying…harder now though because he was trying to comfort me. I asked to be alone after a few minutes so that I could get myself together again.

Once alone I walked upstairs and lay on the bed in the nursery to cry more. I wanted to get it all out. I thought I was done, so I got up and decided to step in the shower to cool off, but started crying again (although I hadn’t really stopped completely). I then went downstairs and tried to be social, but was teary eyed and did not want to chat with neighbors. My mom called on my cell phone, so I picked up and cried a bit more. I felt like thing would never be okay again. I had not cried like that since we lost Orion. I didn’t think it would be like that anymore, but it was.

I did, eventually, go outside to watch fireworks, but my heart was just not into the festivities.

So far I feel just tired today and a little sad. I don’t feel as hopeless as I did yesterday. I just hope the labs get here in the mail today so that I can try to get the answer from the geneticist as to whether or not we can get PGD done. I can’t wait to get started on the process, but I also know it will be an emotional journey and harrowing at times. I know that our future family is worth the hard work.